Suicide is painless.

Bullshit.

It's selfish. It's very painful for those you leave behind... It's a lot of things.
But mostly? Its a very PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

Soul bearing time...
I've always been an artsy emotional fellow. I was emo before there was emo. I remember sitting in my room, unable to sleep and writing gut wrenchingly sad songs to deal with MY inner turmoil. I took everything personally. When there was a breakup? It was my fault. Somehow, I wasn't worthy or just simply unlovable. I did something wrong. I wasn't enough this or too much that. It ate me alive. Literally. I was diagnosed with ulcers when I was 16. I went to a counselor who said it was ok for me to get mad. That I needed to exercise those feelings. To vent them. That's when I got a Roland Juno60 synthesizer and started writing songs. But the feelings persisted. I was a roller coaster. I had great friends and had a lot of fun. But I'd go home and wallow and binge in my despair. Listened to A LOT of Pink Floyd. :) I'm a libra. We know how to wallow. But I also brought it on myself. I was different. I didn't want to dress like everyone else or listen to the same music as everyone else... I got a lot of, "Hey faggot." But that didn't really bother me. That fueled me.  What killed me, was girls. Rejection. Not feeling loved or wanted. And that has to do with my father. And that's another story.
Like I said, I took everything personally. I have NEVER been a violent guy. I have been in VERY few physical fights. The last was with Jody, my little brother, at our house on Baranof. That too is another story... lol. At any rate, I'm just not a violent guy. My father was, and that is the reason I am not.
I had graduated. One night my girlfriend told me she had cheated on me. More than once. I was crazy about her. I was crushed. I was SO angry with her. I was SO hurt by her actions and admissions. I wanted to hurt her, or someone, or anything. So, I chose myself...
Clearly I didn't succeed, but I was in the hospital for a few days. My poor mother. My little brother, They didn't understand. How? Why would I do that!? I had just reached that point. I was emotionally immature and at that age EVERYTHING seems like the end of the world. But I felt ill equipped to deal with the emotions. Rejection. The hurt. The idea and thought it would happen over and over... The irony was that a year later, I watched two close friends drown. Guys whom had nothing but hope and a lust for life. Guys who had never travelled the dark paths I had. That day, and the year or so after that? I struggled with the guilt of living. How was it that I, someone who had chosen to try and take my life, and had felt that life was unbearable and too much to take, was the only survivor of a boating accident? What kind of cruel twist was that? But that accident changed me and my life forever. My out look. My fervor for life, truth, honesty and forgiveness. My hopeless devotion to love. To just wanting to TRY and do the right thing always. I don't succeed. But I try. And I'm thankful for everyone and everyday. I wish there were a more pronounced way to show it. So I merely try and live my life right.
When Jody's life was cut short... His light was SO bright. I ache. I ache at the thought of that loss. Why him? Why not me? Why them? Why not me? I've been through some shit. We all have. But having lived through all that? Having 3 beautiful, happy, healthy kids whom I love without bounds or measure? Knowing what love IS and ISN'T? I'm happy. I'm SO thankful for what and whom I have in my life. I want to live. Everyday.
I think its the sum of those things that brings perspective and clarity. And so to those who might feel as I once did? As my departed friend that took his life did? I simply say don't. Please don't. I know it hurts. I know that ache. Feeling alone and hurting? Hopeless? It's not. You're not alone. You are loved. Tomorrow really is another day and another opportunity. It may sound cliche, but it's the honest truth.
If I had succeeded all those years ago, there would be no Connor or Samantha or Ethan. There would be fewer songs in the world about fish and dinosaurs or about love and JU87 Stuka Dive Bombers...
And what if one my kids loves science? And then they love chemistry and go to college and become a scientist? And what if they become part of group of brainiacs that evolves genomics and helps to end the cancer that took their uncles life? It possible. It's plausible. Causality.
We don't know what the future holds. But we have a hand in writing it. It's not always easy. But it's always worth it. There is always gonna be someone thankful for you and your contributions. We may never know about them or of them. But they are there.
Its faith.
It's life.
Choose it.