Lost and Found

Jody was 35 when he died of Colon Cancer. He was a fortnight short of three years, my younger. I was 9, and he 6 when my parents divorced. My mother and I moved away to Spokane for a year and a half while Jody and my father stayed in the Tri-Cities. It was an odd and lonely feeling, like I was an only child during that time, after having been an older brother for as long as I could remember. My mother joined the army to advance her career and garner an education in nursing that the GI bill would afford her when she finished her service. I went back and was reunited with Jody and my father in the Tri-Cities. My father worked and Jody and I had a lot of time alone together, before and after school. I inherited the mom/babysitter roll. Making dinner, being in charge of making sure Jody and I got chores done, etc. Jody didn't like that so much and, as many siblings do, would fight with me about what chores and how I'm not the boss and so on and so forth. We've all heard it! But Jody had a violent streak now and then when he got pissed off! Whether that was trying to whack me with a bat or small chair or threatening me with a knife... LOL. Fortunately, I was considerably bigger than he and could always wrestle the implement of bludgeoning or impalement from him. I'd sit on his chest with my legs over his arms and ask, "What is your problem, man! It's not me that's messed up, or you, it's the situation!" I explained that if we didn't get the chores done, dad would beat BOTH our asses! And, after a few times of that, he discovered that yes, diplomacy and compromise was preferred and mutually beneficial. That was when it happened. We worked together and from that time forward we continued to work together. In everything. On everything. We were avid horror and b movie fans. My father got us a Super 8 movie camera and we fell. Hard. We had every special effect magazine made. Rob Bottin, Ray Harryhausen, Rick Baker, John Carpenter... They were our heroes. We made audio plays and would stab watermelons for sound effects. We'd audio overdub soap operas... We made stop motion and blood laden slasher home made super 8 films. They were cheesy, they were creative, they were genuine, bloody and wonderful. Then we got into music. Then screen plays and comedy bits. We talked and shared secrets as only siblings can and do. We had separate friends, but we had many more in common and mutual. It was usually "Russell and Jody," or "Rusty and Jody" if you were family. :)

I moved back down to the tri-cities, where Jody was living in 1995. He was in a play and I went down to see it. I never left. I lived for awhile on my sister in-law's mother's couch when I first got down there. Jody and I started doing a lot more music. Recorded and played live at some body building events and various gigs. I helped him with comedy material and routines. We started writing screenplays seriously. We talked about building a house together. We always felt connected and that we would succeed TOGETHER. We were well suited to work together. He was good at broad strokes and wacky ideas. I was the polishing  and grounding. He came to see me in  play I did, "Shadowlands." I attempted to portray C.S. Lewis. It was a more dramatic role with a lot of emotion involved. I had always, like many who knew him, admired Jody's acting talent. And when he saw the show and came to me, teary after the show and hugged me and told me what a brilliant job I had done, it meant the world to me.

We both admired the other and were jealous of each other, as is often the case with siblings. I thought Jody was really handsome, (my jealousy, you get tired of your girlfriends talking about how cute or handsome your brother is!) and very talented and funny, (my admiration). Jody thought I was really smart (his jealousy) and very talented and funny, (his admiration). My humor though was much more dry and dripping in sarcasm. His, was much more overt than mine, pratfalls and impressions. But when you got us together? And we BOTH had a few drinks in us? I don't think either of us laughed so hard! My sides would literally be hurting and I would wake up the next day with a sore stomach from laughing so intensely and for so long... It always felt like we couldn't get enough of each other. I remember us talking about what we had... When we'd hear other people talk about how they hated their sibling or weren't talking with them and weren't even sure where they lived, or that they hadn't talked with them in years. I remember our dismay. The thought of not being together or talking to each other everyday was inconceivable. Yes we had disagreements. But rarely. Once every 15 years and it never lasted more than a few hours. Siblings share things that no other relationship can. You share secrets and knowledge your husbands and wives never know... Your parents never know... Being brothers, being sisters, those are special bonds and are to NEVER be taken lightly or for granted. 

I remember Jody telling me when he got sick. I was shocked. I didn't think it could ever happen, That nothing could snuff the fire that burned in him. That if anyone could rise and overcome, it would be him. I always flashback to the scene in Blade Runner, where Roy (Rutger Hauer) confronts Tyrell about removing the cap on his life expectancy... Tyrell tells him it's hopeless and inevitable and then offers this, "The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you have burned so very, very brightly..." That was jody. He was/is loved and admired by so many, he seemed larger than life, or death in this case. We worked and focused on projects between treatments. He and the family moved up near Seattle so he could focus on acting and then treatments at the hospital there. He worked at Zones, computer catalog company. We talked several times, everyday. He'd call and launch into a new comedy routine he was working on and I'd give feedback. We'd email script ideas. He, Niki and the kids would come down to visit family and we'd write songs and drink beer... and laugh. A lot.

He had the tumor removed and was well for a solid stint. And when he got sick again, and was told he had, maybe,  6 months... I don't know. You know its coming. You say the things and you go through the motions. But somehow it doesn't seem real or possible. I was with Niki at Terri and Dennis's house when Jody died. I stayed there for a few nights before it happened when we knew it was close. He slept a lot, but he'd get up now and then and we'd talk and hug. The last thing he said to me before he fell asleep for the last time was, "I love you." Those were his last words. Ever. The next morning, we knew he was likely to pass that day. Niki and I were sitting with him and he hadn't moved or responded since the night before. I took his jaw and started moving his mouth like he was a puppet and was doing some of his jokes. Niki and I agreed, it was morbid AND pretty funny... and, EXACTLY what Jody would do if things were reversed!

Jody was dead a few hours later. March 10th, 2005. I had trouble with it, even though we knew it was coming. I was thankful he wasn't in pain anymore, yet, how? Why? I couldn't imagine not being able to talk about scripts or finish the song we'd been working on. I couldn't imagine not seeing him smile or hug his children or hear him tell all of us, ANY of us, that he loved us. Or tell him I loved him. I had a real hard time for a long while. ANY time I heard someone talk about their sister or brother, how they went out and had a nice time or that they were fighting with their sister or brother... I was SO jealous. I was now part of a group that didn't have one. I was an only child again. I hated that they had a sister or brother to do things with, or to fight with, and I didn't anymore. I would think about how lucky they were. Or conversely, I'd get so upset that they were wasting or squandering the brief time we have, with fighting or bickering... And over what? That they took your shoes? That you felt they always got out of cleaning up or mom or dad paid more attention to them? Piss, blame mom or dad for that. And even then, its stuff. Let it go. What? They said something mean out of anger or hurt? And you haven't ever done that?! Siblings are a rare and special thing... Life is a rare and special thing... I can't imagine being the person who get's told their brother or sister is dead and that person hasn't spoken to them in years over a stupid ass fight over a girl, a boy, words... This is blood. Blood is thicker than water. You can pretend its about being above it or it's principled and they should reach out or apologize first... Bullshit. You should forgive, first. Being above or bigger is about YOU reaching out, you saying your sorry. It ALWAYS takes two to fight. It takes one to forgive. One to reach out and say, You're my sister. My brother. My father or mother and that bond, that connection, is stronger than the words you said, and didn't really mean, when you were angry or hurt. That love and all the things you went through, together... That is stronger than your obstinance. Your anger and resentment. I've said it before, this life is not worth living without love. Love between siblings. Love between parent and child... The love of your friends. They are all just as valid as the love of your life.

I have lost grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends... (more about this in a couple of weeks) and my brother. Jody wasn't just my brother, he was my best friend. It's been 8 years and I STILL struggle. I know I always will. I know I'm not alone in this. Any one who has lost anyone close to them knows the pain I'm talking about. But, I think the loss of a sibling. That's different. We expect to lose parents. It's not a fun or pleasant realization but an expected outcome. It's not nearly the pain a parent feels when they lose a child... I can't imagine. I couldn't bear. But not having my best friend? The guy who has known me the best and longest? Who knew my secrets? Whom I could tell anything to and NEVER be judged? I miss that guy... But I celebrate, and am thankful for everyday that I had with him and am secure in the knowledge that neither Jody nor I wasted any of those days. Not even time can rob me of that. 

Whether you're cool with your sibling(s) or haven't spoken to them in days, weeks, months or years? Do. Do it tonight. Don't wait or think about it. Time is the one thing we don't get back. Life is way too short to live in anger, pain or regret. Tell them you're sorry, if you need to. Or, just call and tell them you love them and you're thankful that you have them. I have lost... But I have not forgotten. I have lost, but I have found; Reach out. Forgive. Laugh and hug when you can, but love - ALWAYS.

For my best friend and brother.

Jody Michael Wodehouse 9/17/69 - 3/10/2005