I had a friend message me on FB. She mentioned the blog and how she appreciates my honesty. How open I am and have been. But here's my question. Should I? Am I being self indulgent on some level? I like to think it's NOT about me. That it's about the bigger picture. I like or want to think that if I'm honest and share my thoughts and experiences, that somehow we all can benefit. That maybe my discussions will cause further discussions and help others down the line. That maybe you go home and talk with your husband or wife, that maybe you have a frank discussion about the roles of parents, or that you kiss your significant other or child THAT morning, or that you reach out during the argument and in that reaching out maybe it stops one or both of you from saying something you regret. Or that maybe it's reaching out THAT time that makes them think, he/she cares... They do love me. That WE are worth fighting for...
That's why I'm frank. That's why I'm open and honest. It's not an effort to garner sympathy or to villainize someone. I like to own my part. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. There is no ONE person at fault. My question, for you, right now though is, do I share TOO much? Am I TOO open and honest? Have I crossed a line? My feelings are; What if I were with me, or someone like me and they wrote what I do? Would I worry that people would assume it was about me? That they were sharing our private life together? The good and the bad? How would I feel? I want to write about the feelings. The situation. The words. The experience. Not necessarily about the person even if they are the impetus. Sometimes it may be unavoidable, but is it enough to NOT mention names? Am I capable of writing someone into anonymity?
I think we all share a bit of our private lives on FB. But isn't that the point? Maybe this is a little LESS public? Or is it? Questions... Answers? So, thoughts? Please share them!
Stories and ruminations on family, food, life and love.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Failing Forward
SO this started when a female friend, factually, she was, briefly, more than that, said to me that she hates women. That women are hormonal and crazy. That is their fate and so, she eats healthy. She eats organic food. She doesn't drink anymore. She doesn't smoke anymore. Though she can and will partake of marijuana on occasion. She HAS to exercise and eat only organic food or she will freak out. It keeps her balanced. I get her claims. I respect her choices. And this is not a bashing of any sort. It's a factual story to gather input, to discuss and help me understand. To help ALL of us understand and be aware... of who we are. how we act. And maybe we can help each other...
Women.
She HATES women and girls. Of ALL ages. She says all women are hormonal and crazy. That the food they eat that is full of shit makes them even crazier. She had mood swings. She would have an episode where she would kinda blowout. Yell about whatever was making her crazy... Food. Lack of exercise. My kids... She said it was because she wasn't eating organic food and getting enough exercise. Though nearly nightly she would walk or bicycle for 2-3 hours. I tried to give her space. To let her know I cared and supported her. That it could be worked through... It's all small stuff. Don't sweat it.
I think where I took issue is when she said couldn't stand my daughter. That Sam was spoiled and was gonna grow up to be a snobby, bitchy girl like all the cheer leader types she hated in high school. Girls are crazy and hormonal and jealous and Sam was gonna be one of them. She couldn't stand to be around my daughter...
I said my daughter is not perfect. She's 8. She gives her older brother a hard time and bosses her younger brother around. Not all the time, but she tries to be "mom" sometimes. Sam has been told by nearly everyone, from an early age that she's SO beautiful... I've talked about this on FB before. And she is a pretty girl! But I compliment her on being smart. Being artistic. On being talented and remind her that being kind. Being smart, is WAY more important than being considered popular. I try to temper all that and make sure she's a nice girl. That she's respectful. Her mother does too. Kids are kids. She has siblings. They fight. She couldn't handle it. She has one son. She's not use to being around kids. Smaller ones included. Again, my kids aren't perfect. But they don't go around tearing every toy off the shelf and leave a heaping wake of destruction in their path... I don't need to pull them kicking and screaming from the store. They chew with their mouths closed. They say thank you. They hold doors open. They take their own plates to the sink and rinse it off. They ask if they can have sweets. I don't know how many of you have siblings... Jody and I got on famously, but we still had fights and arguments. It's what siblings do. But they work together. They defend each other. And they grow out of that phase... It's a natural part of childhood. Do they drive me nuts sometimes? HELL YES! But does that mean they are destined to be monsters and horrible people that you can't stand to be around? In my humble opinion? No.
Another issue I take with her, or anyone for that matter, is reacting or passing sentence on something that MIGHT or COULD happen. We can WHAT IF all of our lives. That doesn't get us anywhere. Unless it's in the form of "WHAT IF we tried confining the fuel of the gaseous fission reactor magnetically!?" These what if's can be fruitful. "WHAT IF you find another woman attractive when I get older and hormonal? I couldn't deal with that so I'm gonna be pissed and upset and call it off now!" Um, NOT so fruitful. But reacting out of fear... saying, "Well, she's acting like this and people who react like that are typically drug addicts and drug addicts usually steal stuff to support their habit, so I better lock up my ipod and get out of this relationship ASAP because I'm dealing with a drug crazed person who is gonna steal my iPod!" When people act like that it amazes me! I don't know how to deal with that! They have prosecuted a theoretical future event in their head and reacting to in real time, real life!? How do you do that? What is in a person's head that allows that? HELP me understand....
I know that many of us carry baggage. That we react out of fear. But when you have a partner who remains calm and calls us on it, we start to be aware. We can step back and call it what it is. We can rationalize eventually. We can change. For instance if my blood sugar gets low, I get cranky and short. I got called on it. Then I got to the point where I would catch myself and say, hey. I know I'm being pissy and it's not you. I'm sorry. I need to eat. AND then I got to the point where I could START to feel it and say I need to eat something so no one has to suffer my pissy disposition. We can change. But ALL change starts with the admission and recognition of a or the problem. When we say. That's how I am and it's never gonna change! You're right. It won't. You won't. And the problem is yours. No matter how much you try to play the victim or blame others... It's yours. Own it. Change it.
I'll save the Organic Food and conspiracy theory for another blog... But suffice to say that change starts with a recognition. Then a choice. Then steps to affect a change. Baby steps are a good course of action. I take issue, again, with people who say you aren't changing fast enough. You don't think like I do and if you don't change we can't be friends or just can't be period... LOL. AGAIN, I'm NOT religious. But what if Jesus had taken that approach?
Just because someone doesn't believe as you do, or think as you do, or value things as you do doesn't make them less or wrong. I can respect their choice. Or at least that theirs varies from mine. I'm not set out to convert the world to my way of thinking or belief system. I just ask that they if they ask or want to know that they respect my right to have a different opinion if indeed I do. If I have a partner or even a friend, I don't need to have them believe as I do. I won't disparage or devalue someone who chooses to subscribe to different views than mine. I have several CLOSE friends who are of polar opposite religious and political views. But we share commonalities too. Respect. That we choose to be goodly to others. At the end of the day, we are brothers and sisters. We are flesh and blood. We are neighbors and friends. Husbands and wives. Mothers and fathers. Daughters and sons. And THAT should be what matters.
A former student posted a story today. The story was not so moving to me because I sincerely doubted its validity and wasn't very well written, but there was a paragraph that spoke to me...
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
I HATE giving up or watching others give up or letting them give up... Sometimes people are SO damned determined to fail. Sometimes we need to let them. In education we call it failing forward. I remember my parents consoling me after a break up and that there would be other girls... "Not for me! I'm different! That was you! Your experiences don't apply to me!" They were right. But we have to learn our own lessons. We can try to save others from mistakes. But often times they need to learn themselves. And, as it often is, we are doomed to make those same mistakes if we DON'T learn from them...
I hope she learns. I hope she learns to love herself. Because if she doesn't... no one else will ever be able to. Not me. Not the next guy or the next after him. There is no amount of quitting or running that will allow you to escape, yourself.
Women.
She HATES women and girls. Of ALL ages. She says all women are hormonal and crazy. That the food they eat that is full of shit makes them even crazier. She had mood swings. She would have an episode where she would kinda blowout. Yell about whatever was making her crazy... Food. Lack of exercise. My kids... She said it was because she wasn't eating organic food and getting enough exercise. Though nearly nightly she would walk or bicycle for 2-3 hours. I tried to give her space. To let her know I cared and supported her. That it could be worked through... It's all small stuff. Don't sweat it.
I think where I took issue is when she said couldn't stand my daughter. That Sam was spoiled and was gonna grow up to be a snobby, bitchy girl like all the cheer leader types she hated in high school. Girls are crazy and hormonal and jealous and Sam was gonna be one of them. She couldn't stand to be around my daughter...
I said my daughter is not perfect. She's 8. She gives her older brother a hard time and bosses her younger brother around. Not all the time, but she tries to be "mom" sometimes. Sam has been told by nearly everyone, from an early age that she's SO beautiful... I've talked about this on FB before. And she is a pretty girl! But I compliment her on being smart. Being artistic. On being talented and remind her that being kind. Being smart, is WAY more important than being considered popular. I try to temper all that and make sure she's a nice girl. That she's respectful. Her mother does too. Kids are kids. She has siblings. They fight. She couldn't handle it. She has one son. She's not use to being around kids. Smaller ones included. Again, my kids aren't perfect. But they don't go around tearing every toy off the shelf and leave a heaping wake of destruction in their path... I don't need to pull them kicking and screaming from the store. They chew with their mouths closed. They say thank you. They hold doors open. They take their own plates to the sink and rinse it off. They ask if they can have sweets. I don't know how many of you have siblings... Jody and I got on famously, but we still had fights and arguments. It's what siblings do. But they work together. They defend each other. And they grow out of that phase... It's a natural part of childhood. Do they drive me nuts sometimes? HELL YES! But does that mean they are destined to be monsters and horrible people that you can't stand to be around? In my humble opinion? No.
Another issue I take with her, or anyone for that matter, is reacting or passing sentence on something that MIGHT or COULD happen. We can WHAT IF all of our lives. That doesn't get us anywhere. Unless it's in the form of "WHAT IF we tried confining the fuel of the gaseous fission reactor magnetically!?" These what if's can be fruitful. "WHAT IF you find another woman attractive when I get older and hormonal? I couldn't deal with that so I'm gonna be pissed and upset and call it off now!" Um, NOT so fruitful. But reacting out of fear... saying, "Well, she's acting like this and people who react like that are typically drug addicts and drug addicts usually steal stuff to support their habit, so I better lock up my ipod and get out of this relationship ASAP because I'm dealing with a drug crazed person who is gonna steal my iPod!" When people act like that it amazes me! I don't know how to deal with that! They have prosecuted a theoretical future event in their head and reacting to in real time, real life!? How do you do that? What is in a person's head that allows that? HELP me understand....
I know that many of us carry baggage. That we react out of fear. But when you have a partner who remains calm and calls us on it, we start to be aware. We can step back and call it what it is. We can rationalize eventually. We can change. For instance if my blood sugar gets low, I get cranky and short. I got called on it. Then I got to the point where I would catch myself and say, hey. I know I'm being pissy and it's not you. I'm sorry. I need to eat. AND then I got to the point where I could START to feel it and say I need to eat something so no one has to suffer my pissy disposition. We can change. But ALL change starts with the admission and recognition of a or the problem. When we say. That's how I am and it's never gonna change! You're right. It won't. You won't. And the problem is yours. No matter how much you try to play the victim or blame others... It's yours. Own it. Change it.
I'll save the Organic Food and conspiracy theory for another blog... But suffice to say that change starts with a recognition. Then a choice. Then steps to affect a change. Baby steps are a good course of action. I take issue, again, with people who say you aren't changing fast enough. You don't think like I do and if you don't change we can't be friends or just can't be period... LOL. AGAIN, I'm NOT religious. But what if Jesus had taken that approach?
Just because someone doesn't believe as you do, or think as you do, or value things as you do doesn't make them less or wrong. I can respect their choice. Or at least that theirs varies from mine. I'm not set out to convert the world to my way of thinking or belief system. I just ask that they if they ask or want to know that they respect my right to have a different opinion if indeed I do. If I have a partner or even a friend, I don't need to have them believe as I do. I won't disparage or devalue someone who chooses to subscribe to different views than mine. I have several CLOSE friends who are of polar opposite religious and political views. But we share commonalities too. Respect. That we choose to be goodly to others. At the end of the day, we are brothers and sisters. We are flesh and blood. We are neighbors and friends. Husbands and wives. Mothers and fathers. Daughters and sons. And THAT should be what matters.
A former student posted a story today. The story was not so moving to me because I sincerely doubted its validity and wasn't very well written, but there was a paragraph that spoke to me...
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
I HATE giving up or watching others give up or letting them give up... Sometimes people are SO damned determined to fail. Sometimes we need to let them. In education we call it failing forward. I remember my parents consoling me after a break up and that there would be other girls... "Not for me! I'm different! That was you! Your experiences don't apply to me!" They were right. But we have to learn our own lessons. We can try to save others from mistakes. But often times they need to learn themselves. And, as it often is, we are doomed to make those same mistakes if we DON'T learn from them...
I hope she learns. I hope she learns to love herself. Because if she doesn't... no one else will ever be able to. Not me. Not the next guy or the next after him. There is no amount of quitting or running that will allow you to escape, yourself.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
LOVE
I have always held an idealistic, yet plausible (I think) view of love. I know that we are limited in the English language by the one word that defines the many flavors and nuances of LOVE. Whether we love that movie, or love our children, or love our partner... One word for so many different feelings. The Greeks had four distinct words for love. But I digress...
I'm starting to feel alone in my definition or belief in LOVE.
Let me speak to romantic love. The love of a partner, a wife or husband. I think, feel and hope that love does conquer all, that it never fails. That love is is a commitment and work but once made. It's a promise. It means things might get tough, but what I'm PROMISING you is I won't give up. Sure that comes with caveats. Like cheating, though I can see and have seen how infidelity, can be worked through and in some cases bring people closer. DON'T get me wrong, I'm in no way condoning that as course of action to become closer to a partner! But I think the bottom line here is trust. The importance and necessity it plays in concert with love and experiencing a truer, deeper love. I believe that there isn't ANYTHING that can't be over come if you choose. If you are committed. But it starts with that commitment and promise. So am I crazy? Idealistic? Off base? Right on? In need of therapy, STAT!?
All too often I see partners, and have learned through experience, that trust and communication are two vital pillars in the building and maintenance of love. Promising love, and saying, I want this and you forever, and then in the heat of battle saying I don't know if I can do this... To me that erodes my trust. It is toxic to me. To ME it means I'm willing to give up. That somewhere in the mind of whoever says that, is saying that giving up IS an option. Ok. I agree it's idealistic. Soul mates. True love. And I confess I'm beginning to doubt it does exist. Perhaps I should be more pragmatic about this whole love thing? But I can't. I want to believe. I want to think it's more than an arrangement. More than something we settle on or into. But are there other BELIEVERS out there? Am I alone?
Look, I get that it's work and compromise! I think it should be. But I know when I feel that someone else is as committed as I am, and I trust them? That feeling? That love is unparalleled. But when that same person turns and is upset and says, I'm not sure I can do this... That rocks my foundation. My thoughts are instantly, "Can I trust you?" And I want to recede. I want to build walls. I'm afraid of being hurt. Well, shit! I AM hurt! I KNOW people argue and fight and have disagreements. EVERYONE does. It's part of every relationship. And I know there's a balance. It can't be a fight every freaking day... it's not pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows everyday either! Too often we react out of fear and hurt and want to strike out at the one we feel hurt or wronged by. Two wrongs... DON'T make a right. Kill with kindness. Treat them as we want to be treated. Calm your self and try to go into the discussion being calm or rational. Waiting 10, 20 90 minutes? Not a bad thing. But don't go to bed angry. Try not to walk around slamming doors or being visibly upset. Especially in front of children! Take a short walk or run or shower. And remember. Everything looks different in the morning... Please. Don't be rash. Choose your words carefully.
Are people capable of committing to each other? I know I can. But I know that I need to be able to trust that person. To believe and trust their words and that those words will be backed with action. We can get into into the five languages of love and I think it's a valuable tool, but my eyes are open to that and I can talk with my partner and work on that. But beyond that... I try. I'm not perfect. Not as a person, father or partner/husband/boyfriend... No one is. I try and treat my partner how I want to be treated. When I get up I say, "Do you need anything or want anything? Something to eat or drink? No? You sure?" Sometimes I feel perhaps I was a Jewish grandmother in another life! So if someone doesn't do that... If they just get up and make or get themselves something... I feel hurt sometimes. Am I being too sensitive? I know logically there can be reasons. Their mind is elsewhere. They are use to being alone and not having to consider another... But somehow I feel hurt. I take it personally. And THAT is my bad. And so I try to balance that. Will they come around? Will there be a time that they say, "Can I get YOU anything while I'm up? I'm making a sandwich, do you want one?" I do it because I care about them, I'm thinking about them... and somehow in my brain if they don't do that, then they must not be thinking about me or they don't care about me... I get that, that doesn't make my perception the truth. And so I say, "This is how I feel when that happens..." Here are things I do to show you I care. And I ask them, "How do you feel you are showing me? What do you do?" And, I don't mean it in the sense of keeping score, or in the sense of look how much I do, what the hell do you do!? I mean that I'm trying to understand what they feel like they are doing to show me. What love is to them or how their actions exemplify love through their eyes. So I can recognize it.
I'm tactile. Words are important to me. I don't care about gifts... It's touch, and words, and quality time. I admit, I can be needy! It has taken me a long time to learn to feel and cry again. But I do now. Maybe more often than I should. NOT that there is a recommended daily allowance or anything! But after the boat accident, when I cried uncontrollably for over a year and felt alone because I was a mess and people didn't know how to deal with that or me... I didn't cry. I was numb. It wasn't until Jody died and even then I did it privately. But as of lately, I feel like I can feel again... But for me it all comes down to trust. Trust and communication. And for me it's important to say what I MEAN. To not strike out in anger, to say things to hurt. Because once you say them you can't take them back. And those those rash and hurtful things can erode trust quickly. Can raise doubt. Can build walls. And trust takes MUCH longer to build than to destroy... But that's the nature of it. `
Look, I'm NOT a religious guy. Spiritual in some senses or aspects but that's for another discussion. But Jesus, whether you believe or not, had valuable lessons. And the two I most highly regard are these. LOVE and FORGIVENESS. Those are universal lessons. They are meant for and should be practiced by ALL. Or, at least those are MY personal beliefs and one that I try and practice. For instance, when I have an argument with my partner, I may be upset, or angry, or sad, or all of those things at once! But I make it point to try and be close. To hold their hand or be in contact. Or I flat out tell them I love them. Because to me, being angry or upset does not mean WITHHOLDING love. Denial of my love or affection should NOT be a punishment for a wrong that I FEEL has been done. Because it's important, to me, that my children and my partner know that I can be angry, hurt, sad or upset but that does NOT mean for an instant that I don't LOVE them. That I don't value them. I have noticed though, that this has been hard for my partner(s) to grasp. I have found that most people hold that over their partner. I'm pissed at you and I will DENY you affection or comfort. I will punish you and raise your fears and doubts. THIS is a hard lesson, but so important and part of submitting to love. True love. UNCONDITIONAL love. It often times has to do with our childhood and how we were raised or punished by family or former partners. But when someone is hurting when they feel badly, maybe even guilty but certainly sorry. And they come to you and reach out and you push them away!? Would you do that to your child? Touching them, embracing them, holding them. Doesn't mean you aren't upset or everything is ok. It means you can and will forgive them. That healing can begin. Which brings me to my next point...
"Sorry. I'm sorry for X. I'm sorry that what I said or did made you feel that way, that was not what I meant or was trying to do or say." A lot of us are SO damned stubborn! Why? Why be so prideful? Pride was one of the seven deadly sins folks! (again I'm not religious, but just sayin') I'm sorry begins the healing. It's acknowledgement. And owning our shit, our mistakes? Paramount. No one is perfect. It's not about being right or wrong. Or keeping score! I know many of us are or have been of that mind. And sometimes view our partner or their words or actions through that prism. Sometimes we even paraphrase or put words in their mouths... "You said I'm not a good cook or that I'm stupid or that you don't like me." Those weren't the words used, but that's how we FEEL or the words they did use made us feel. But kids, that doesn't mean that's what they or we meant, or were trying to say, or even said! And then when you run off and tell your mom or a friend that your partner called you stupid or unattractive... Bad juju! 1st. Keep personal and private stuff, especially any arguments or anything of a sexual or physical nature PRIVATE! They should remain just that. Boys, men, (not me of course) are especially bad at sharing too much PRIVATE physical things. Girls and women tend to share more of the other. And friends, bless their souls will and can stir the shit. Why do we go to them in the first place!? For affirmation. They say things like, "He/She was wrong to do or say that to you. You're NOT stupid or ugly. I love your crab dip!" That's not really being a friend in my book. No one is ever solely to blame. We all have a part in every issue. It's not always an equal part, but it's a part! And dragging friends and or family in to our personal matters NEVER is a good idea. People, get a therapist or counselor. They are meant to help you and help you work through your issues. They are Switzerland. Or SHOULD be! There's no shame seeing a therapist! It doesn't mean you can't handle things or are ill equipped or in anyway LESS. It's a natural instinct to talk about our issues. I would hope you talk with your best friend, who I also think SHOULD be your partner! But if you need to talk with someone other than them, find a counselor. Don't let it fester. Don't sweep it under the rug. Just talk about it. Talk about your feelings. 7 or maybe even 8 times out of 10 it's a simple misunderstanding or miss communication that is at the root. But none of us can change or fix things if we don't know about it! Another thing... Some of us are better about communicating our feelings or telling our partner how WE feel. But the other half, and just as important is LISTENING. Be in the moment. Asking questions. Look them in the eye... Showing you can listen, will listen and do listen builds trust. Another point? Rolling your eyes, heavy sighs or the like will not go over so well... TRUST me. Listen and be open. An ounce of prevention, eh?
When I look back at the boat accident and the morning we went out on the water, you NEVER think this is the last time or day I will ever see you or someone again... But I try and live that way. And every time I leave the house I say I love you. I kiss them. Because it's never worth chancing. But I know people who hold regrets because they didn't tell that someone how they felt. That they loved them, that they were sorry... Life is tenuous. Short. Shorter for some. There's no need to live with regrets or what if's. Live in the moment. Don't with hold love... Forgive. Communicate. Trust. Love.
LOVE. I believe it's what makes this life worth living.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Whaaa?
Why Domestic Stud!? Well, a friend was texting me about having a garage sale and was there anything I was looking for? I texted, or what I THOUGHT I texted was Domestic stuff. But thanks to auto correct on iPhone, it was sent as domestic stud... It was then I knew what to do! :)
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