Sunday, October 21, 2012

LOVE

So... Questions and comments on LOVE.

I have always held an idealistic, yet plausible (I think) view of love. I know that we are limited in the English language by the one word that defines the many flavors and nuances of LOVE. Whether we love that movie, or love our children, or love our partner... One word for so many different feelings. The Greeks had four distinct words for love. But I digress...

I'm starting to feel alone in my definition or belief in LOVE.

Let me speak to romantic love. The love of a partner, a wife or husband. I think, feel and hope that love does conquer all, that it never fails. That love is is a commitment and work but once made. It's a promise. It means things might get tough, but what I'm PROMISING you is I won't give up. Sure that comes with caveats. Like cheating, though I can see and have seen how infidelity, can be worked through and in some cases bring people closer. DON'T get me wrong, I'm in no way condoning that as course of action to become closer to a partner! But I think the bottom line here is trust. The importance and necessity it plays in concert with love and experiencing a truer, deeper love. I believe that there isn't ANYTHING that can't be over come if you choose. If you are committed. But it starts with that commitment and promise. So am I crazy? Idealistic? Off base? Right on? In need of therapy, STAT!?

All too often I see partners, and have learned through experience, that trust and communication are two vital pillars in the building and maintenance of love. Promising love, and saying, I want this and you forever, and then in the heat of battle saying I don't know if I can do this... To me that erodes my trust. It is toxic to me. To ME it means I'm willing to give up. That somewhere in the mind of whoever says that, is saying that giving up IS an option. Ok. I agree it's idealistic. Soul mates. True love. And I confess I'm beginning to doubt it does exist. Perhaps I should be more pragmatic about this whole love thing? But I can't. I want to believe. I want to think it's more than an arrangement. More than something we settle on or into. But are there other BELIEVERS out there? Am I alone?

Look, I get that it's work and compromise! I think it should be. But I know when I feel that someone else is as committed as I am, and I trust them? That feeling? That love is unparalleled. But when that same person turns and is upset and says, I'm not sure I can do this... That rocks my foundation. My thoughts are instantly, "Can I trust you?" And I want to recede. I want to build walls. I'm afraid of being hurt. Well, shit! I AM hurt! I KNOW people argue and fight and have disagreements. EVERYONE does. It's part of every relationship. And I know there's a balance. It can't be a fight every freaking day... it's not pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows everyday either! Too often we react out of fear and hurt and want to strike out at the one we feel hurt or wronged by. Two wrongs... DON'T make a right. Kill with kindness. Treat them as we want to be treated. Calm your self and try to go into the discussion being calm or rational. Waiting 10, 20 90 minutes? Not a bad thing. But don't go to bed angry. Try not to walk around slamming doors or being visibly upset. Especially in front of children! Take a short walk or run or shower. And remember. Everything looks different in the morning... Please. Don't be rash. Choose your words carefully.

Are people capable of committing to each other? I know I can. But I know that I need to be able to trust that person. To believe and trust their words and that those words will be backed with action. We can get into into the five languages of love and I think it's a valuable tool, but my eyes are open to that and I can talk with my partner and work on that. But beyond that... I try. I'm not perfect. Not as a person, father or partner/husband/boyfriend... No one is. I try and treat my partner how I want to be treated. When I get up I say, "Do you need anything or want anything? Something to eat or drink? No? You sure?" Sometimes I feel perhaps I was a Jewish grandmother in another life! So if someone doesn't do that... If they just get up and make or get themselves something... I feel hurt sometimes. Am I being too sensitive? I know logically there can be reasons. Their mind is elsewhere. They are use to being alone and not having to consider another... But somehow I feel hurt. I take it personally. And THAT is my bad. And so I try to balance that. Will they come around? Will there be a time that they say, "Can I get YOU anything while I'm up? I'm making a sandwich, do you want one?" I do it because I care about them, I'm thinking about them... and somehow in my brain if they don't do that, then they must not be thinking about me or they don't care about me... I get that, that doesn't make my perception the truth. And so I say, "This is how I feel when that happens..." Here are things I do to show you I care. And I ask them, "How do you feel you are showing me? What do you do?" And, I don't mean it in the sense of keeping score, or in the sense of look how much I do, what the hell do you do!? I mean that I'm trying to understand what they feel like they are doing to show me. What love is to them or how their actions exemplify love through their eyes. So I can recognize it.

I'm tactile. Words are important to me. I don't care about gifts... It's touch, and words, and quality time. I admit, I can be needy! It has taken me a long time to learn to feel and cry again. But I do now. Maybe more often than I should. NOT that there is a recommended daily allowance or anything! But after the boat accident, when I cried uncontrollably for over a year and felt alone because I was a mess and people didn't know how to deal with that or me... I didn't cry. I was numb. It wasn't until Jody died and even then I did it privately. But as of lately, I feel like I can feel again... But for me it all comes down to trust. Trust and communication. And for me it's important to say what I MEAN. To not strike out in anger, to say things to hurt. Because once you say them you can't take them back. And those those rash and hurtful things can erode trust quickly. Can raise doubt. Can build walls. And trust takes MUCH longer to build than to destroy... But that's the nature of it. `

Look, I'm NOT a religious guy. Spiritual in some senses or aspects but that's for another discussion. But Jesus, whether you believe or not, had valuable lessons. And the two I most highly regard are these. LOVE and FORGIVENESS. Those are universal lessons. They are meant for and should be practiced by ALL. Or, at least those are MY personal beliefs and one that I try and practice. For instance, when I have an argument with my partner, I may be upset, or angry, or sad, or all of those things at once! But I make it point to try and be close. To hold their hand or be in contact. Or I flat out tell them I love them. Because to me, being angry or upset does not mean WITHHOLDING love. Denial of my love or affection should NOT be a punishment for a wrong that I FEEL has been done. Because it's important, to me, that my children and my partner know that I can be angry, hurt, sad or upset but that does NOT mean for an instant that I don't LOVE them. That I don't value them. I have noticed though, that this has been hard for my partner(s) to grasp. I have found that most people hold that over their partner. I'm pissed at you and I will DENY you affection or comfort. I will punish you and raise your fears and doubts. THIS is a hard lesson, but so important and part of submitting to love. True love. UNCONDITIONAL love. It often times has to do with our childhood and how we were raised or punished by family or former partners. But when someone is hurting when they feel badly, maybe even guilty but certainly sorry. And they come to you and reach out and you push them away!? Would you do that to your child? Touching them, embracing them, holding them. Doesn't mean you aren't upset or everything is ok. It means you can and will forgive them. That healing can begin. Which brings me to my next point...

"Sorry. I'm sorry for X. I'm sorry that what I said or did made you feel that way, that was not what I meant or was trying to do or say." A lot of us are SO damned stubborn! Why? Why be so prideful? Pride was one of the seven deadly sins folks! (again I'm not religious, but just sayin') I'm sorry begins the healing. It's acknowledgement. And owning our shit, our mistakes? Paramount. No one is perfect. It's not about being right or wrong. Or keeping score! I know many of us are or have been of that mind. And sometimes view our partner or their words or actions through that prism. Sometimes we even paraphrase or put words in their mouths... "You said I'm not a good cook or that I'm stupid or that you don't like me." Those weren't the words used, but that's how we FEEL or the words they did use made us feel. But kids, that doesn't mean that's what they or we meant, or were trying to say, or even said! And then when you run off and tell your mom or a friend that your partner called you stupid or unattractive... Bad juju! 1st. Keep personal and private stuff, especially any arguments or anything of a sexual or physical nature PRIVATE! They should remain just that. Boys, men, (not me of course) are especially bad at sharing too much PRIVATE physical things. Girls and women tend to share more of the other. And friends, bless their souls will and can stir the shit. Why do we go to them in the first place!? For affirmation. They say things like, "He/She was wrong to do or say that to you. You're NOT stupid or ugly. I love your crab dip!" That's not really being a friend in my book. No one is ever solely to blame. We all have a part in every issue. It's not always an equal part, but it's a part! And dragging friends and or family in to our personal matters NEVER is a good idea. People, get a therapist or counselor. They are meant to help you and help you work through your issues. They are Switzerland. Or SHOULD be!  There's no shame seeing a therapist! It doesn't mean you can't handle things or are ill equipped or in anyway LESS. It's a natural instinct to talk about our issues. I would hope you talk with your best friend, who I also think SHOULD be your partner! But if you need to talk with someone other than them, find a counselor. Don't let it fester. Don't sweep it under the rug. Just talk about it. Talk about your feelings. 7 or maybe even 8 times out of 10 it's a simple misunderstanding or miss communication that is at the root. But none of us can change or fix things if we don't know about it! Another thing... Some of us are better about communicating our feelings or telling our partner how WE feel. But the other half, and just as important is LISTENING. Be in the moment. Asking questions. Look them in the eye... Showing you can listen, will listen and do listen builds trust. Another point? Rolling your eyes, heavy sighs or the like will not go over so well... TRUST me. Listen and be open. An ounce of prevention, eh?

When I look back at the boat accident and the morning we went out on the water, you NEVER think this is the last time or day I will ever see you or someone again... But I try and live that way. And every time I leave the house I say I love you. I kiss them. Because it's never worth chancing. But I know people who hold regrets because they didn't tell that someone how they felt. That they loved them, that they were sorry... Life is tenuous. Short. Shorter for some. There's no need to live with regrets or what if's. Live in the moment. Don't with hold love... Forgive. Communicate. Trust. Love.

LOVE. I believe it's what makes this life worth living.

4 comments:

  1. Russ!
    This is a great post. You have the right ideas, at least in my view. And the last bit, saying I love you everytime you part company is one of the best things ever. I am so grateful that when I called my Dad, early early on a morning in august, and his last words to me were: I love you kid. He was killed less than 6 hours later. That was the last time I heard his voice. I treasure that.
    Keep fighting the good fight.

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    1. Bitter, sweet... Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for your loss but so glad that you have that memory and closure, to the degree it is. I haven't lost a parent. I've lost many friends and my kid brother. Some losses slow, churning agony. Some senseless and some accidental and in the blink of an eye. None of them easy. So I feel for you... You are lucky in the sense that that is what you were left with and it's SO wonderful that you recognize and cherish that! Thanks again for sharing!

      Peace and love. - RAW

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  2. Even though my mom lived in Oregon, we had had a disagreement pertaining to co-signing a student loan, or something trivial like that. Am I ever glad that - after being mad, I called her back & told her I had managed without her, & I was sorry that I had become upset with her, & that I loved her. Because about a week later she was dead. She had gotten a job as a cafeteria lady way out - about 30 miles out of town from pdx. And I guess she has a heart attack while driving, but she made it the whole 30 miles to her assigned parking spot, then died with the engine still running. Sat there the whole 6 hours or so til school got out & someone noticed her (car still running)... So that, & in other ways I know just what you mean, & it's hard not to feel defeated when one is already too sensitive. But just being mindful of what a precious gift life is in the NOW - & not missing those moments...I agree that love is what makes life worth living. many blessings,v

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    1. Wow... I'm sorry for your loss. I'm so glad that you were able to put those things aside and make the call and say what you did to your Mum. I like to think that, that is somehow a testament to her as a mother and her raising or instilling those values in you.
      You're right. It's NOT always easy. But doing the right thing, taking the road less travelled, giving without expectation... That's character. That's who defines us. THAT is LOVE and hopefully those actions can, will and do inspire others to do the same... Thank you for post! :)

      Peace and love - RAW

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