Failing Forward

SO this started when a female friend, factually, she was, briefly, more than that, said to me that she hates women. That women are hormonal and crazy. That is their fate and so, she eats healthy. She eats organic food. She doesn't drink anymore. She doesn't smoke anymore. Though she can and will partake of marijuana on occasion. She HAS to exercise and eat only organic food or she will freak out. It keeps her balanced. I get her claims. I respect her choices. And this is not a bashing of any sort. It's a factual story to gather input, to discuss and help me understand. To help ALL of us understand and be aware... of who we are. how we act. And maybe we can help each other...

Women.
She HATES women and girls. Of ALL ages. She says all women are hormonal and crazy. That the food they eat that is full of shit makes them even crazier. She had mood swings. She would have an episode where she would kinda blowout. Yell about whatever was making her crazy... Food. Lack of exercise. My kids... She said it was because she wasn't eating organic food and getting enough exercise. Though nearly nightly she would walk or bicycle for 2-3 hours. I tried to give her space. To let her know I cared and supported her. That it could be worked through... It's all small stuff. Don't sweat it. 
I think where I took issue is when she said couldn't stand my daughter. That Sam was spoiled and was gonna grow up to be a snobby, bitchy girl like all the cheer leader types she hated in high school. Girls are crazy and hormonal and jealous and Sam was gonna be one of them. She couldn't stand to be around my daughter...
I said my daughter is not perfect. She's 8. She gives her older brother a hard time and bosses her younger brother around. Not all the time, but she tries to be "mom" sometimes. Sam has been told by nearly everyone, from an early age that she's SO beautiful... I've talked about this on FB before. And she is a pretty girl! But I compliment her on being smart. Being artistic. On being talented and remind her that being kind. Being smart, is WAY more important than being considered popular. I try to temper all that and make sure she's a nice girl. That she's respectful. Her mother does too. Kids are kids. She has siblings. They fight. She couldn't handle it. She has one son. She's not use to being around kids. Smaller ones included. Again, my kids aren't perfect. But they don't go around tearing every toy off the shelf and leave a heaping wake of destruction in their path... I don't need to pull them kicking and screaming from the store. They chew with their mouths closed. They say thank you. They hold doors open. They take their own plates to the sink and rinse it off. They ask if they can have sweets. I don't know how many of you have siblings... Jody and I got on famously, but we still had fights and arguments. It's what siblings do. But they work together. They defend each other. And they grow out of that phase... It's a natural part of childhood. Do they drive me nuts sometimes? HELL YES! But does that mean they are destined to be monsters and horrible people that you can't stand to be around? In my humble opinion? No.
Another issue I take with her, or anyone for that matter, is reacting or passing sentence on something that MIGHT or COULD happen. We can WHAT IF all of our lives. That doesn't get us anywhere. Unless it's in the form of "WHAT IF we tried confining the fuel of the gaseous fission reactor magnetically!?" These what if's can be fruitful. "WHAT IF you find another woman attractive when I get older and hormonal? I couldn't deal with that so I'm gonna be pissed and upset and call it off now!" Um, NOT so fruitful. But reacting out of fear... saying, "Well, she's acting like this and people who react like that are typically drug addicts and drug addicts usually steal stuff to support their habit, so I better lock up my ipod and get out of this relationship ASAP because I'm dealing with a drug crazed person who is gonna steal my iPod!" When people act like that it amazes me! I don't know how to deal with that! They have prosecuted a theoretical future event in their head and reacting to in real time, real life!? How do you do that? What is in a person's head that allows that? HELP me understand....

I know that many of us carry baggage. That we react out of fear. But when you have a partner who remains calm and calls us on it, we start to be aware. We can step back and call it what it is. We can rationalize eventually. We can change. For instance if my blood sugar gets low, I get cranky and short. I got called on it. Then I got to the point where I would catch myself and say, hey. I know I'm being pissy and it's not you. I'm sorry. I need to eat. AND then I got to the point where I could START to feel it and say I need to eat something so no one has to suffer my pissy disposition. We can change. But ALL change starts with the admission and recognition of a or the problem. When we say. That's how I am and it's never gonna change! You're right. It won't. You won't. And the problem is yours. No matter how much you try to play the victim or blame others... It's yours. Own it. Change it. 

I'll save the Organic Food and conspiracy theory for another blog... But suffice to say that change starts with a recognition. Then a choice. Then steps to affect a change. Baby steps are a good course of action. I take issue, again, with people who say you aren't changing fast enough. You don't think like I do and if you don't change we can't be friends or just can't be period... LOL. AGAIN, I'm NOT religious. But what if Jesus had taken that approach? 
Just because someone doesn't believe as you do, or think as you do, or value things as you do doesn't make them less or wrong. I can respect their choice. Or at least that theirs varies from mine. I'm not set out to convert the world to my way of thinking or belief system. I just ask that they if they ask or want to know that they respect my right to have a different opinion if indeed I do. If I have a partner or even a friend, I don't need to have them believe as I do. I won't disparage or devalue someone who chooses to subscribe to different views than mine. I have several CLOSE friends who are of polar opposite religious and political views. But we share commonalities too. Respect. That we choose to be goodly to  others. At the end of the day, we are brothers and sisters. We are flesh and blood. We are neighbors and friends. Husbands and wives. Mothers and fathers. Daughters and sons. And THAT should be what matters. 

A former student posted a story today. The story was not so moving to me because I sincerely doubted its validity and wasn't very well written, but there was a paragraph that spoke to me...

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

I HATE giving up or watching others give up or letting them give up... Sometimes people are SO damned determined to fail. Sometimes we need to let them. In education we call it failing forward. I remember my parents consoling me after a break up and that there would be other girls... "Not for me! I'm different! That was you! Your experiences don't apply to me!" They were right. But we have to learn our own lessons. We can try to save others from mistakes. But often times they need to learn themselves. And, as it often is, we are doomed to make those same mistakes if we DON'T learn from them...
I hope she learns. I hope she learns to love herself. Because if she doesn't... no one else will ever be able to. Not me. Not the next guy or the next after him. There is no amount of quitting or running that will allow you to escape, yourself.